i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
