if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
