wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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