when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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