Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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