so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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