I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
