Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
that is very illegal...i love you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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