Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
