Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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