you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The air was thick with penises
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
