Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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