i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
