I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
