My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
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I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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