I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
