I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
