It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
