I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
