It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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