I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
ugly people sure do ruin things
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
