final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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