if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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