I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
