It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
