I got chris browned last night
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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