P.S. I can't hear my feet
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
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Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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