He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
