the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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