i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
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HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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