And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
