After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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