You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
