Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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