In the future we'll all be gay
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
