stop calling my apartment porn island.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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