how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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