I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
