I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Congratulations! We have a period
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
