He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
