If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
