dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
