I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
