i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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