you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
