nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
