Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm really busy with my period
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