What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
