I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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