woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
