The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
