Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
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So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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