god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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